Attention Parents. It Never Stops.

Warning: This Blog may contain distressing content.

YES! No more dummy.

YAHOO! No more nappies.

AWESOME! No more chastising whilst out dining in public.

HOORAY! No more parent teacher interviews.

BOOM! No more driving them everywhere.

TA-DA! No more cleaning up after them around the house.

If you haven’t caught my drift, I am celebrating those minor milestones on being a parent and the joys and freedom that ensue when we are free and void of the sometimes crippling and choking responsibilities we have as their guardians and mentors in life. The relief and euphoria of passing a landmark event as a parent is seemingly replaced with the next mountain to scale. When does this overbearing responsibility finish?

Newsflash. It doesn’t.

I remember my father-in-law at our wedding and that of another of his daughters quipping “A sons a son until he takes a wife. A daughter’s a daughter all your life”. Gender aside the quote resonates with me that your kids, whilst paternally remain yours for life, will also require parenting…. for life. It sounds awful but refreshingly candid when you swap notes with others on your kids. “I’ve got one just like that”. “Our second is a nightmare!” “Jack and Jill are totally opposite what about you!?”

Enter my subject for discussion. My amazing and beautiful daughter Amelia Jane. At 21 years of age, I feel more responsible as a parent than I ever have. The preceding years, some 2 decades, with her resemble a fog, a haze. I remember her baggy little brown eyes, cute disposition, and quiet nature. I recall the fight she had with some chocolate as a baby in our holiday high rise and the photo that froze a simple but special little moment in time. I remember her gappy smile and 'glasses' stage. I remember her innocent joy and relaxed demeanour.

Something has happened since then. The glow is still there in fact it illuminates like that of a lighthouse, dimming as it turns full circle and then beaming brightly for a moment before fading once again. Milly self-sabotages. Struggles to hold a job. Cannot stay on track and seemingly has lost her north star. Her violent mood swings, dismissive and at times offensive attitude is a far cry from the vivacious, talented, funny, and creative spirit the public knows her for. The more I try to help, take over, guide, or control the more resistance I receive. We are hopeful a forthcoming appointment with a specialist may help reveal a condition that is the source of most of her angst. In the interim I am left with no choice but to accept the situation.

You probe your little ones as they spill their dinner across the kitchen table. “How was school?” “How was your day?” “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I am not certain I stayed true to this interrogation as she grew older and into a young adult. I question myself daily what I have missed or done wrong. Suddenly we’re not holding on to her bike to keep balance, it’s not imitating a plane to shovel mushy peas into her little mouth it’s trying to what I have described recently as simply keeping her alive.

The goal or dream of having children surely is then superseded by the wish that they are happy. Considering happiness underpins your own journey in life those you have brought into the world need to reflect that happiness back. I think that is why sometimes as parents we relent, retreat or as my wife would vent…. “Take it up the ass!”. Parenting is hard. Really bloody hard. From those breathing classes you attend to your most lovable relative or grandparent explaining how to foster young ones there is countless advice and instruction on what to do and how to do it. It is a bit like the car manual that you only really reach for when you are out of ideas on where the fuel button is on your new vehicle. That is, you try everything and anything. You announce that you will be stricter, harder, and not putting up with anymore bullshit. Simultaneously, you beat yourself up for raising your voice, saying something derogatory or realising you simply weren’t present or listening when hearing about something exciting in your child’s life.

My family are my universe. Therefore, they take up time and energy. They take work and commitment. An investment in them is one I don’t take lightly. Sure, there is a monetary sense in that comment regarding things like education etc, but the emotional investment is critical. Listening becomes extremely important. Acceptance. A sense of calm. A beautiful gift has arrived amid Amelia and our seemingly negative experience. Her and I have begun a podcast. Dad We Need To Talk launched last week with its first episode titled Dreams & Vibrators. Re-read if necessary. Yep….it is a challenging but fun concept. Milly sits me down raises anything and everything and Dad and daughter discuss. Meantime the producer hits record. Staying true to our commitment to remain ‘raw’ and ‘real’ some episodes have dived deep into Milly’s mental health. I feel it has helped both of us come to terms with what is happening in her young mind. A special bond has helped deliver it in what I hope is an entertaining yet caring manner.

She has fast become our major project. Our unconditional love has us worried and concerned. We would love to simply flick a switch within her that the nullifying self-talk, doubt, and anxiety just washes away. More so we understand that we must remain patient, vigilant, and hopeful this will be a phase, a period where the universe and her are butting heads on what her path or journey is. Just like we waited for her to stop crying as a newborn, watching her leave her vegetables on the plate as a toddler or nailing the right selfie in her teens, we will remain here watching, waiting but above all else, loving.

If you or someone you know needs help please contact any of these amazing organisations.

www.lifeline.org.au

www.beyondblue.org.au