I'm Not Guilty Your Honour

Guilt is a bitch.

It plays on your conscious. It eats away at you inside. Do all human beings process guilt the same way? They couldn’t. Surely? I struggle with the mildest of actions, hitting a bird at speed on the highway, killing a spider, letting people down. Imagine my horror when watching a Netflix series like Yellowstone where bodies are dumped like rubbish down a mountain side with little to no remorse.

I need more cowboy in me. More of an edge. I struggle with guilt but understand it serves me a purpose. Finding the gift in every negative, I have discussed this before. So why as I write this do I feel guilty about booking a short getaway for my wife and I, no kids, to our favourite location. I anxiously wait to assess my mangers response when I message him my intention. I worry what my only non-adult child will think of us when we go. My peers, family members and anyone for that matter who react in any way other than “That’s awesome good on you”.

I’m about to start another journey on breakfast radio. The 4:30am alarm will return. I am currently halfway through an acquisition of my business and my wife is building a brand-new space for hers. Come early February chaos, albeit organised, will ensue. Therefore, I decided my wife and I should depress, relax, and refresh. But why the guilt!? It has ruined holidays and even short getaways in the past and I keep mentioning it I know. I can’t drop it! So, what is the gift if anything.

Perhaps it is the fact I empathise with others. My business. It keeps me from being a total leisure junkie. It is powerful to recognise the advantage of being of healthy body, mind, and soul. I am protecting the asset. Me. Moi. Numero Uno. Overall, I think it stems from the work ethos and attitude within our culture or community. “The harder you work the luckier you get”. Does anyone believe that anymore? Is the man/woman being laid to rest lucky? My answer would be yes if those spewing out of the church and beyond could agree they lived a full life, made a difference, and harboured wonderful relationships with family and friends alike. Whether they worked 60 hours a week or 6 is irrelevant and won’t be discussed over an egg and lettuce sandwich and cup of tea afterward.

I struggle to even announce what I am doing anymore to people for fear of being judged. “He’s on holidays again? Gee Whiz!” But enough is enough. More importantly what message does that send to those I am taking time off with. On this occasion my wonderful wife. I don’t stop to recognise that she needs a break as much as anyone. Same goes when on family holidays where I have slipped into a guilt-ridden coma and stopped enjoying the moment. I’d make a “work” call to feel validated. Na stuff this. I am going away for 5 nights and going to love it. I am going to sit in those moments of guilt and ride them out. Show it who’s boss. Drown it in a sunset cocktail or force it out replaced with the narrative of a cracking book.

We have arrived. In paradise. No shame. In fact, I have never felt more relaxed and confident about the road ahead. Rather than adopt a “I’m on holidays so I am not doing anything related to work” attitude I am simply going to manage what comes my way. I am checking email. Phone handy. Sorting out massive pivotal changes. And therefore, the balance has arrived. The pay off. The scale of guilt versus purpose. A business partner once would query why I wasn’t at my workplace. It triggered me so bad. In the end I had almost 2 catch phrase comebacks for when the inquisition came about. First, “I won’t complain about when I am at work if you don’t complain about when I’m not”. Paving way and homage to the public holidays, late nights, early mornings etc that hospitality requires. The second and possibly my favourite was/is “Richard Branson doesn’t fly one of his Virgin planes”. In fact, I think Branson might drive his life and purpose from the tranquillity of a private island.

Guilt should be shared. Discussed. In her book Dopamine Nation, Dr Anna Lembke talks about leaning into your pain and shame. She speaks to 2 types of shame, Destructive and Prosocial. The former being a toxic cycle that can have severe impact. Her experience with humans suffering addiction (we are all probably addicted to something in some way) found a pattern with Destructive Shame. Overconsumption led to Shame. Shame led to Lying. Lying led to Isolation. Isolation led back to the start……Overconsumption. Prosocial shame is as she describes the antidote. The idea of sharing your problems. Moreso in a group environment hence the success of Alcoholics Anonymous etc. The Prosocial shame model begins with Overconsumption which leads to Shame. At this point though the pattern is broken with what she describes Radical Honesty. That through one’s admission, sharing with a group or walking towards to your problems leads to acceptance. The acceptance then leads to Belonging and decreased consumption.

The guilt I refer to is thankfully not linked to an unhealthy appetite for drugs, alcohol, porn or as it would seem work! It lies with my fear and concern of what others may think. The comparison to others. As a dear friend used to tell me “People only know what you tell ‘em”. There won’t be a photo montage of pool side feet shots on my Instagram page, in fact it is disabled at the minute, and I haven’t missed it at all! There won’t be a new message bank almost boasting that I am on annual leave nor an automated email response. I am simply somewhere else now living on purpose. Living my best life. Guilt free.