It's Time To Get Changed

I was shitting bricks.

Within months I had gone from the big fish in a little pond to a minnow in a sea of sharks.

Panmure Primary School in 1988 had 20 students. Warrnambool High School in 1989 harboured 600*. I had to be wary. I had to fit in. My modest short back and sides haircut, oversized uniform and emerging man boobs were going to make it tough. I wore footy shorts to Phys Ed, used a no name shoe brand sticker to cover my schoolbooks and tried my guts out to be funny and accepted.

I was making possibly the biggest transition of my life. Many more followed and a few preceded. A broken home, high school to university, dropping out of university, a plethora of jobs, becoming a dad unexpectedly, getting married, extending a family, building a business, and undertaking a personal activation program come to mind immediately. No doubt in and among that lies other shifts and adjustments.

“Change is as good as a holiday” they say. Considering Covid has snookered any travel expectations, change may be our best option in the interim. Robin Sharma explains beautifully in his book ‘The 5am Club’ that “Change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.” I consistently lean on this wisdom. I share it often. It is so true. Applied to my school transition it is accurate. It was extremely hard trying to adjust to a bigger school, messy in the middle as I rebelled and found my way and come the end, I walked away with lifelong friends. Gorgeous.

People are transitioning all the time. I have and still observe the wondrous advancement in my children. Puberty, becoming an adult or even paying a bill have become mini episodes in their screenplay of life. A script akin to the best Comedy/Drama around! It is fascinating and emotional to witness. As a friend told me recently, all you can do is “Laugh at the chaos!”.

Amid this changing, adapting, and ever evolving some among us are making massive transitions.

I have crossed paths with a gentleman in recent years who shares a great sense of humanity. It was through enlightened conversations I learned of his emotional emergence after losing his son in an accident. For the sake of anonymity, I will name him John.

John told me of his disbelief and finality at the beginning. He ran on auto pilot, going through the motions without being present. He felt something protected him during this time. Something held him up. He spoke of the unbearable void in his life. The incomprehensible conclusion that he couldn’t call his son, text, or say sorry or that he loved him. Nothing. He had vanished. It was interesting to learn that John threw himself into work and to a degree debt which demanded he kept working. A false positive he suggested. Work and denial served him best. He stayed as far away from his reality as possible. Albeit friends, family and support groups were available he feels a transition out of trauma is in large part a solo journey. One that is ongoing. But if these quiet and dark times resemble John’s ‘Ugly Caterpillar’ phase, I am pleased to tell you I have met and seen the ‘Beautiful Butterfly’ that has materialized. John has an aura and energy that follows him, and his spirit is infectious. He believes he has become enabled through the experience. Life is about humanity and whilst he has paid the ultimate price, he equally has been given an extraordinary capacity to reach out and touch others. An inspiration and guide to those suffering from trauma themselves.

He offered this sage advice to others. “Don’t expect too much from yourself. Don’t feel guilty for being here, laughing and enjoying life. You will find a way to move forward, be it an altered version of yourself, but you will survive. You are stronger than you think”.

John’s transition was triggered by a moment in time. A freak accident. A split second.

Some transitions are more announced and planned. Changing schools, moving houses, changing jobs, losing weight, starting a new hobby, retiring from something even living with a pandemic. The universe requires you to show up regardless. That fish out of water feel at the start can deter many. It is important to start with the end in mind. What does your blue ocean moment look like at the end of the transition? Go to your happy place. Picture it. Envision It. What does it look like? How do you feel? Once established, that destination becomes the target, the gorgeousness you yearn. It may be messy getting there but reminding yourself of the place you will arrive at can make a difference.

The ‘End In Mind’ concept was brought to me by of all people, a former navy submarine commander. Lieutenant David Marquet wrote a magnificent book on leadership titled ‘Turn the Ship Around’. He references Stephen R Covey and his best seller, ‘The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People’. Covey’s book features a chapter titled, ‘Begin With The End In Mind”.

Transition out of trauma may be a little or vastly different to setting a personal goal that requires action and behavioural change. I imagine though, or more so hope, that those persons afflicted by trauma do picture an image or place where they are happier, healthier and somewhat whole. For those of us setting goals it can be done without pain but certainly requires purpose. Some argue not to set big goals but rather smaller objectives, whereas others like ‘Flow’ expert Steven Kotler suggest “Going big is good for you”. Kotler’s research suggesting that if you desire a bigger increase in motivation and productivity you are best to reach for the stars. The bigger the goal the better.

For whatever journey or transition you are on right now I offer more of John’s worldly advice.

“Be kind to yourself”.

*These numbers are a guestimate