Pictures Tell A Thousand Words

Based on a writing exercise described by Anne Lamott on The Tim Ferris Show I am simply blogging about the attached photograph. I plucked this one from the family album as it exemplifies my innocence. My first day of primary school almost 40 years ago.

The wide open plain behind me is good solid farming land just east of Panmure. A herd of Friesian and Jersey cows appear in the background. I am assuming post morning milking considering the timing of the shot. A large branch of the many cypress trees that protected our old farmhouse hangs above me. Mum would have taken the picture. I assume a day of reflection and pride for her. Watching her first head to school. No doubt an emotional day considering my big brother passed some 4 years earlier. Jason was a beautiful boy who left us too early.

It certainly seems like a fake or nervous grin. The former is something I have had in my kit bag throughout life and believe it or not have somehow handed down through the genes. My wife is often prompting my son to smile properly! The yard I stand in is barren. Just paddock like grass with a fence as its boundary. The shining icon, the piece de resistance that perhaps all family shots were taken next to is the elegant white swan. A ceramic statue that either doubled as a pot plant or stood pride of place in the middle of the yard. For memory it was an excellent target for backyard cricket but vulnerable to damage from the footy in winter.

I have been accused of shocking fashion sense most notably from my morning constituents on our beach walk. Black puffer jacket, banana printed shorts and those questionable feet vessels.…Crocs. Have a look at this wardrobe disaster, I'm rocking a grey v neck knit over a white and blue collared t shirt, bright orange shorts that are possible a size too small and wait for it…… sandals with socks!

The bag is a big deal. In 1976 the Concorde first flew passengers. The Concorde was a supersonic jet that flew at twice the speed of sound. Clearly back in the late 70‘s and early 80’s it was a big-ticket item. I wonder if I dreamed of flying one. Or even flying on one. A trip to Lakes Entrance was as good as I got it back then. Ask any friends or family and they will tell you I am somewhat of a megalomaniac. Keeping an eye on my appearance has always been unconsciously high on the agenda. Mum on this occasion had kick started where I would possibly forever part my hair. Taking a large majority from the right side of my head and plying it over. Pictures like this are gold. Snap shots of a life a lifetime ago.

I am really studying the boy in the picture. What could I tell him about his future? What could I tell him to be wary of? Purity leaks, he seems incorruptible. I want to jump into that frame and put a hand on his back and guide him through the next 40 years. I wouldn’t change anything. I would just speak to him as his future self and remind him that everything will be alright. It’s a mantra we need to remind ourselves and others consistently. “It will be alright. It will be ok.”

Some scribes suggest we carry both a child and master within. In the form of voice or guide if you will. In the analogy the child behaves like one would expect. In situations of stress and alarm the child emerges, making us emotional and sporadic. The master absorbs the struggle. Lets it flow through him or her and patiently executes a response. Whilst the child can be immature in its thinking it can also drag us back to the innocent, nervous and fearful boy I see in this picture. Not knowing what school would be like. Years away from learning about the opposite sex. Seemingly an eternity away from the technology and online world we know today. Just a kid from a dairy farm who picked mushrooms and pinecones to sell to travellers on the nearby highway for change.

While the master within serves us the best, for me the child will always remain. A hardened and battered shell has grown around him. He is protected. Perhaps it is he who has no issue with the ribbing from friends about my choice of footwear? Is it he who allows me to clown around and be foolish with my own kids? It is certainly he who consumes me whole in times of pure grief or stress. Mum received a visit from that innocent boy in the form of her 44-year-old son last year. Without explanation I arrived at her house and buried my head into her shoulder, violently sobbing like never before. Nothing needed to be said. A hug would suffice.

In my opinion the master and child are one of the same. The only way to mastery is the journey of life itself. The trials. The tribulations.

This process and the young Matthew staring back at me prompted me to google a quote along the lines of “If I knew then what I know now.” I came across a further reference from author Charlena E. Jackson who has written several books and this from ‘A Woman’s Love Is Never Good Enough’.

“If I knew then what I know now—I would have chosen me. I would have loved me more. I would have put a smile on my face. I would have made sure I laughed at least three times a day or more; the more the better. I would have fallen in love with the peace that was surrounding me. Self-fulfillment is what I would have given more of to myself.”

I think I would have slipped a note into my flash schoolbag.

Matty, be brave and be happy.